I thought hard about it.
I dreaded it.
I dodged it.
I avoided it.
I postponed it.
I gave all possible excuses.
I told myself not now.
I told myself not so soon.
I said to myself there is still time.
I said its not needed. Probably.
But then, eventually, I had to give in. I had to face it.
One fine day, after a period of long and deep contemplation, I decided to face it.
I had to give myself a haircut.
Operation lockdown has not exactly turned out to be an ideal holiday. We have always longed for long holidays. Deep down inside, all of us would cherish such prospects. Long holidays with absolutely nothing to do. No work, no duty, no target, no deadlines, no going out. Just sitting at home. But when the Almighty got us to that situation, I somehow could not wrap my head around it. How typical. When we covet something, we fret, we complain. Once we get what want, we still fret. We still complain.
Lets (Hair)-do it!!
With a heavy heart and with a heavy head, I just walked into the battlefield (read: my bedroom). I quickly picked up the accouterments needed. Just a comb and a pair of scissors. I stood in front of the mirror. I looked straight into the eyes of the man in the mirror and asked him “Are you sure?”. He just nodded his head grimly. I managed to say something to the effect of “but I need your help in getting this done”. He did not think it was worth a reply.
I picked up the scissors in one hand and the comb in the other. Wow!! That felt good. I felt like I was the new super-hero on the block who will save the world with his new super-hero-skills. Only time would reveal if it is super-hero-skills or super-hero-kills. But I felt empowered. For a second I felt like I had opted for a cut-and-chop contest in one of the fake-reality shows on television!! “Highly melodramatic and over-the-top reaction” I told the man in the mirror. “Look who’s talking!!” was his quick retort.
I kept telling myself that I’m doing this on someone else, a hapless, lazy person who badly needed a new hairdo!! I have always wanted to be a skill-based worker and I have backed my (non-existent) cut-and-paste instincts with mixed results. I was always happy with my previous outcomes of practical demonstration of my skills and my wife was always not happy. That makes it mixed results!!
I could hear the man in the mirror say “think like a barber”. Ok. He instructed “first wet the hair”. Ok. I babbled “but water is in the washroom”. Ok. He said “shift the ‘crime-scene’ to the bathroom”. Ok. My heart was pounding. I could imagine my wife’s reaction at the aftermath of my new hairdo in the bedroom. My heart started beating faster. “Relax”. Ok. “Move it”. Okkkay.
Crime-scene:
I had never imagined that this exercise would be such a nerve-wracking ordeal. I sprinkled some drops of water quickly. My trembling hands naturally “sprinkled” the water. “Take a deep breath” the man in the mirror coaxed me. I obeyed. “Relax” he said again. I obeyed again. “Now go!!” he muttered with clenched teeth. I had to obey. The first cut, the first chop was the most nervous. It was like breaking the glass ceiling. I had always dreaded it. After a few tentative chops here and there, my nerves finally seemed to settle. I kind of grew immediately into my new role as the commander-general-in-charge.
By the time I could gather my wits, I ran into a strange problem. After a while, I forgot which was left side and which was right side. I was confused with which was front and which was back. I was wondering which is up and which is down. With all these 3-dimensions working together against me, my head was reeling. My mind had started playing games with me. “So much for your instincts” mocked the man in the mirror. “If you ask any doctor to operate on himself/herself, they will realize” was my silent reply. “Focus!!” he yelled. “I’m trying” I yelled back.
“Imitate the barber” he suggested. “That’s a good idea. Thanks” I replied. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is a famous quote by Oscar Wilde. My hairdo-trial was now going wild. I tried to recollect the “working style” of the barber and tried aping it. I was pretending to be a professional now. I was only hoping that the outcomes would also be as professional. Trimming the sideburns posed special challenges. Strange term that, “sideburns” I wondered. “If you don’t get your act together, you’ll end up burning all sides” told the man in the mirror. “So much for positive thinking” I mumbled. So by sheer determination in imitation, I managed the front. I was now faced with the next big stumbling block. The back.
Back-end issues:
I contemplated the brilliant idea of hanging another mirror to the door by using a towel as a sling. That would enable me to see the reflection in 2 mirrors. That way I will be cutting my hair by mirroring my own thoughts. But then I had to deal with 2 men in the mirrors. I was sure that all 3 of us would end up messing the whole thing. My messed up brains’ motor skills were now challenged and that was scary. Besides, if in case, if by chance, if my ‘bad luck was good’ and the mirror fell, the aftermath would not be very conducive. So I dropped the idea of the second mirror before I drop the second mirror down.
“Imitate” told the man in the mirror. “But how??!! but where??!!” I asked him. He just grinned. “Cut parallel to the scalp, not perpendicular to it” he instructed. Now my brain was trying to grapple with what is perpendicular and parallel. After trying out different poses and positions, I wanted to give up. “I’ll look funny!!” I muttered. “As if you don’t look funny otherwise” was the barb from across the mirror. “Shut up!!” I yelled. “Go figure” he retorted. “Go jump” I replied. Stop fighting!!
‘Patent’ issues:
Then from the depths of my creativity and ingenuity, I came up with the “pinch and cut” technique. I am going to file a patent for this technique. One can only cut what one pinches. Like how one should only chew as much as one can eat. Brilliant!! So I started pinching my hair with my 2 fingers and just cutting only what I had pinched. With my new found zeal, I started chopping with flourish again. I started moving right to left and then up and down. But after a few chops, I got confused with that is right and left and what is up and down. My head started whirling. “Concentrate” yelled my companion in the mirror. I barely managed to say “okay okay”. I somehow finished the occipital part of the scalp. Now my hands, back, shoulders, neck and head were all aching. I just wanted to drop everything and run.
Evaluation:
I decided enough is enough and called my wife to proudly display the latest results of my skills. It was like a tensed student calling the external examiners for inspection of his clinical work during final exams. My wife was not expecting me to be giving myself a new hairdo. She was surprised and announced a loud “not bad”. Ok. She did give me instructions on how to finish the job at hand. Again I felt like the student given instructions by external examiner. “Yes mam. Thank you very much”. Then to the man in the mirror. “Yes sir. Thank you very much”.
Finally, the external examiner walked in and pointed out 2 areas where I had cut perpendicular to the scalp and not parallel. Those were the flaws in my work of art. “You cannot improve upon perfection” I complained. She replied “but you surely can worsen your imperfection”. The man in the mirror smiled wryly in agreement. Any traces of my “instincts” that were left within me vanished into thin air.
Falling back on fallback:
The genius within me suggested that I should have a fallback option. Worst case scenario. What if my haircut turns out to be extra-ordinarily, out-of-the worldly pathetic? My wifey had recently ordered a trimmer online after a meticulous, thorough, comprehensive research. For my kid’s haircut. I can always use it to fully trim the leftovers of my failed attempt. Just in case. This had been lurking in the back of my mind since the thought of this experiment originated. Tough times call for tough calls and this was one real tough call to take.
This tough call could be simplified by the external examiner who was present internally at home, who was called for evaluation. She just burst out laughing and said “What have you done?” I managed a feeble smile. She looked at the hairdo and said “Actually not bad”. Fallback option not exercised, but operation ‘hairdo’ was a just pass. I just wanted to pass in the exam. I did not want distinction and gold medal. I would take this. Anytime, any day. I was never a topper. “Anyways it’s a lockdown. For Gods’ sake, what difference does it make? ” I tried to convince the man in the mirror. No reply. Just another wry smile.
Blast from the past
During my school days, I remember one of the chapters in English was on Mahatma Gandhi. I vividly recollect his first experience of giving himself a haircut during his student days in England. Gandhi mentioned that he had managed the front side fairly well, but had spoilt the back. “Have rats been at it??!!” was the taunt that his fellow-students threw at him.
How will I look?
What will my friends tell?
How will my spouse react?
What will my kids tell?
What will my colleagues tell?
How will I face online classes?
What will I do in online meetings??
Should I lock myself up in a room now? Lockup in lockdown??
Catastrophizing is not good for confidence. We tend to imagine the worst. Sometimes it turns out to be worst-er, worst-est.
I have now more respect for Mahatma Gandhi than ever before. I actually realized the true meaning of self-reliance. I now wonder in awe about his changes he brought to his lifestyle. From his haircut to his change in his dresses. From his food habits to smoking to alcohol. From a barrister to a politician. Each of this marked an experiment that he conducted on himself. “Experiments with truth”. How apt.
About the assessment of the impact of the implementation of my surgical skills on the aesthetic appeal of the coiffure of male human study subject/s (wow!! That sounds like a good thesis topic. It may probably get accepted for publication based solely on the depth of the title), I quote Albert Einstein. I can already see my wife roll her eyes in exasperation, saying “Here he goes again!!”. When asked about his dressing sense, he said that if he is visiting a place with his friends, his friends anyways know him. If he is going to a place where he does not know anyone, he said anyways they don’t know him. “Relatively” speaking, as far as my hairstyle is concerned….. before I can complete this sentence, the man in the mirror would break the mirror and strangle my throat.
At the end of the day:
This lockdown has been a great leveler. I have now realized the value of things that we take for granted every day. The barber is an inseparable part of our lives. He has always been. Its just that this realization has dawned on us now. The biggest lesson for me to learn from Gandhi is self-reliance. That is a real tough ideal to work towards. Operation haircut has been one small step towards it. I must confess that I set out to the task of chopping my hair with trembling hands. But by the end of it, I was relatively ok with it.
As far as hairstyle is concerned, I am firmly of the opinion that “what lies beneath is more important than what lies above”. I can hear the man in the mirror and my wife yell in unison “sometimes what lies above is far better than what lies beneath”.
degrees of freedom 